What Would Jesus Major In?
It’s hard for Christ to limit his interests, but an academic adviser helps him choose a concentration.
By Mark D. Harmon
This was the day academic counselor Thomas Dowd had been dreading. The student, Jesus Christ, walked gently into the office, quietly took a seat, and crossed his legs, revealing some worn sandals. "Jesus, it’s good to see you," said Dowd. "Let me say right up front that I’m sorry about that agriculture course that was canceled last semester. You spoke so enthusiastically about being a good shepherd. I thought it was worth a shot at trying to get the course offered."
"You are already forgiven," said Jesus.
"Jesus, I think it may be time to think about choosing your major. I ran into your roommate a few days ago."
"Peter?" inquired Jesus.
"Yes, and he said something about architecture."
Jesus laughed. "What I said was that he was a rock upon which I would build a church."
"And he muttered something about shoes of a fisherman," said Dowd.
"He always gets that wrong," smiled Jesus. "What I said was that Jews aren’t good fishermen."
Both laughed.
"Jesus," said Dowd, "you’ve been an undecided major for about as long as the college rules allow. I was hoping that today we could find a major that would suit you."
Jesus said nothing so Dowd continued. "Let’s play a few word games. What words would you use to describe yourself."
"I am the way, the truth, and the light," said Jesus.
Dowd pondered the reply for a moment. "That sounds a lot like independent study to me. Unfortunately, we canceled our self-directed program last year under a lot of back-to-basics and academic rigor pressure from the state legislature."
"Give unto Caesar what is Caesar’s," said Jesus somewhat cryptically.
Dowd ignored him and pressed forward. "Perhaps we can get some clues from family history. What was your father’s occupation?"
"Carpenter," said Jesus.
"And your mother?"
"Virgin."
Dowd grinned. He heard that a lot from guys, so he shifted the subject.
"What do you talk about most with your family and friends?"
"The Kingdom of Heaven. It is within everyone."
"Maybe so," said Dowd, "but I think we’re zeroing in on religious studies, maybe philosophy."
"I also talk about loving your enemies," said Jesus. "And sometimes I advocate peace and justice."
"Well, I’d stay away from the War College, ROTC, or the School of the Americas," said Dowd.
Jesus seemed perplexed by that reply.
He whispered, "I go where I am needed."
An awkward silence filled the room until Dowd cleared his throat and turned to a different matter. "Well, Jesus, as long as you’re here, I’ve received some notes from your English composition teacher. By the way, I’m sorry we couldn’t find an Aramaic translator for you."
"I’m used to it," said Jesus.
"Anyway, your teacher wrote that you often digress into long stories or parables that are open to wide interpretation. Mustard seeds, prodigal sons, camels passing through the eye of a needle. It all sounds perfectly harmless to me, but apparently she was looking for a more structured, standard theme.
"Your teacher also wrote," Dowd continued, "that your method of citing sources was awkward. Often you quote yourself or your father in heaven. No footnote. No cite in Chicago, MLA, or APA style."
"Sorry about that," said Jesus. "I’ll try to do better."
"I’m sure you will," said Dowd. The two talked a while longer.
Jesus opted for a religious studies major and took home a few brochures on master of divinity programs. He chose a philosophy minor, and several courses in classics as electives.
"He’s a good boy," Dowd thought to himself. "He may just do some good in the world. I hope his parents don’t get too hung up on selecting a more career-oriented path."
Mark Harmon is assistant professor of broadcasting in the Department of Communication at the University of Tennessee, Knoxville.
|